A brisk moment of letting go...

Yesterday, I went for an audition for a spot in the T4YP (Theater 4 Young People) at KLPAC. I prepared a 2min monologue from Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet and a shortpart of Scene 8 from Kuo Pao Kun's Descendant of the Eunuch Admiral for the audition. Mind you, I was well prepared. But the moment i stepped into the room and saw the grumpy faces of most of the judges, my mind blacked out. All my perfect shakespeare's lines just evaporated into thin air. It was a moment of pure humiliation. All the judges looked at me, impatiently waiting for me to go on, but I just gave up. But, the second piece, the contemporary piece was pretty ok. One of the judges said it's a good choice. Overall, it's an embarassing but interesting experience. One question asked by one of the judges stayed on my mind long after it was all over. Why are you here? i didn't really know the answer to that question. I mean, I was definitely there for the audition. Why else would I be there? For some reason after the audition, I realized that I might be there for a reason. All the while I was directing the production at uni, I kept on assuming that all the actors could memorize all their lines if they are determined enough, and there shouldn't be any problem for that. But after my moment of humiliation yesterday, I totally understood how it feels like acting out in front of a real audience. The moment you get up there, you will have to try hard to remember your lines and try to move in a way that will attract the audience. Furthermore, with the tensed atmosphere and sharp eyes looking at you, it's just impossible for you not to feel super duper nervous. Because of that sudden realization, I freaked out and decided to prettend that I could run away from the rest of the rehearsals and escape from everything. I even changed my FB status to "flee to singapore tomorrow" just to feel as if I could actually escape from everything. Yeppers. I was that desperate to flee. Just to feel that brisk moment of letting go is heaven...

But I deep inside that I can never just let go of everything. Even if I flee, I'll still worry about everything. What's the point of fleeing then? It will just be like Zheng He- a man with high status and everything money can buy, but no real freedom. I could flee to Bora-bora or just any deserted jungle in Africa, but my heart would still be here, worrying about every single thing of the play- how the lighting should be, when the music should start, whether all the props are there bla bla. But still, to fell that brisk moment of freedom...such pure ecstacy....

=yingoying=